You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Randomize
