Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Randomize
