cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Randomize
