do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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