put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
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