Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
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