when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Randomize
