I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
