I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
