Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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