Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
