I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
