i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
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