I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
