you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
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