I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
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