I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
