He disabled his match.com account in front of me
# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
I am in a vortex of obligation.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Randomize
