she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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