this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
you never un-have a 4some
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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