me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
