Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Randomize
