i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
