When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
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