It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
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