Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
