She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
