Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
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