I wish life had little blips of pornography
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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