i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
