I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
