I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
now i know why i became what i already was.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Randomize
