dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
