and my herpes radar will keep us safe
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
