We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
