We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
