My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
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