I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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