I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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