I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
