There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
