there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
