he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
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