I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
