if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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