I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
