I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Randomize
