Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
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