a queef is a wish your heart makes.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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