Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
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