dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
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